The Bad and The Ugly
Wow - I couldn't believe it. It was the end of 2018 and I had finally started trauma therapy, and it was liberating!
In therapy, we started by going back to two of the biggest obstacles that controlled so much of who I believed I was. The first one is abandonment.
My twin sister and I were left on the street corner as babies in S. Korea, found by the police and placed in an orphanage. The picture above is the city of where we were born. We were adopted as infants and brought to the United States to be raised by a wonderful Caucasian couple in Minnesota. Due to the circumstances and for whatever reason, I had always believed I was trash. I mean, who abandons their children on street corners anyways? As a person who was fortunate enough to have an extremely shy and sensitive personality, this really didn't sit well with me. And it formed a belief at a very young age that if my own parents didn't want me, then why would anybody else want me.
There was one specific memory I have when I was only five years old. It was the summer before kindergarten, and my twin and I were in summer school. One day, at the end of the school day, when we walked outside, our Mom was very late picking us up. As we sat there waiting and time continued to pass, I actually broke down in tears and was convinced our Mom who adopted us, left us too. My sister tried to convince me it wasn't true, but I didn't believe one word. Then, Mom's car came around the corner, and I was almost shocked to see she was there. My sister told my Mom what had happened, and they both just reassured me everything was OK. So, as you can see, I had some abandonment issues that went very deep; I was only five years old and believed this!
The second obstacle that controlled me was racism. I grew up in the 1970's. And so, back then, the U.S. had just finished wars against the Japanese, North Korea and Vietnam. And so, being Asian meant being an enemy. It wasn't like today where they have K-Pop! I think what really did me in was that we grew up next to racist neighbors who daily...and I mean daily, would yell out racial slurs to us whenever we were outside. And so, this included when we walked to our school bus stop in the morning. So, we were greeted with hatred just about every day when we left the house. We were told to go back to our country, we were told how hated we were, they would do all the ching chong jokes. It was the most dreadful thing ever that I would never wish on anybody. When we went out in public, kids would also make fun of us and the most difficult part was that it wasn't a question of IF it was going to happen, but WHEN it was going to happen. And so, again we got teased relentlessly. Kids would ask us how our parents named us: did they throw a spoon down the stairs, ching chang chong and they told us how ugly we were. We would meet friends and go to their homes, but then once they met us, we were told we weren't the right color and couldn't come back. We had American names and so people didn't know we were Asian until they saw us.
It was just too much for my weak and feeble spirit to handle. And so, I grew up disgusted with who I was and actually denied I was even Asian. I fooled myself, up until into my twenties, that I was white!
When I had gotten married, my husband and I would be watching TV, and when an Asian woman came on screen, I'd turn to him and ask, "Do I look like that?" And he would look at me and say, "Of course, you're Asian!" And I would turn away and think to myself, uggh...that sucks! I hate looking like that. I had such a self hatred for who I was, and denied my true self because it was something I learned growing up; I'm a gross disgusting person in this Asian body who is a piece of trash that nobody wants. Yikes! I had some serious issues ... and it was these first two issues the Lord wanted me to finally face.
What is really sad about all of this, is these were core beliefs set up so early in life that led to so many other issues...all buried in the depths of my heart. And when January 2019 rolled around, the Lord did something more spectacular than I could ever describe! He started revealing over 80 things throughout that 2019 year of things He wanted to clean out of me. Things that were so bad and terrible about what I believed about myself, others and just so much plain yuck. And by the end of that year, I had no idea He'd lead me to His special cocoon - to transform my heart and life forever.
So, stay tuned for the "Next!" Because I'll be sharing what 2019 was all about. So many incredible things...being so transparent on how He healed me to my core ... and I'm believing He's going to heal you too!
PRAYER:
Dear Lord,
I am GRATEFUL for YOU!! It was You and only You who allowed me to live this life so that You truly would be glorified! And it is You who will be glorified in my friend's life too - whoever is reading this right now. I don't believe I'm alone. In fact, I believe Lord, that You are leading people to read these very words and as they read them, You are sparking something inside their hearts of things that maybe they need to face too.
I don't believe in dwelling in the past, but Lord, You've showed me that things deep inside need to be revealed so they can be healed. And You're our healer, Lord. You have searched me and You know me. You know when I sit and when I rise. You created my inmost being. And I am wonderfully and fearfully made. I know that full well.
I pray for whoever is reading this today that You touch their hearts in Your special way. Holy Spirit, guide them into Your truth. You LOVE them and want them to know that you are for them. And even though the enemy of their soul may try to steal, kill and destroy, You want to give them life and give it to them abundantly...full of Your peace, joy and love. So, rest on them and reveal yourself to their hearts as only You know how.
In the mighty name of Jesus,
Amen!
FAITH IN ACTION:
During this next month, read Psalm 139.
I love this Psalm because it shows us just how much God truly knows us; because He created each of us.... And what He created is so super special! YOU"RE SUPER SPECIAL!!!
Reading through the New Testament has been teaching us about who God really is. Jesus in the flesh; who reveals who God our Father is: So kind and merciful; full of love and compassion and yet sovereign, Holy, full of power and righteousness we could never understand!
But in Psalm 139, we read how much God knows us and that we don't need to hide from Him...because it's impossible to hide from Him. We are all born with this human condition. This condition where we have all these issues. And what the coolest thing is ... is the people with some of the most issues in life are the very ones who will fall in love with God the most! Because we understand we never really ever deserved Him. And so this incredibly gratefulness wells up inside because we didn't grow up as good little boys and girls. We grew up making terrible decisions and can't believe the God of the Universe would ever accept "somebody like us" into His kingdom. But when we receive Jesus into our hearts, He comes in like a flood and overwhelms us with His Presence, His goodness and His mercy. And we just soak it all in!!!
It's the most Powerful Love I've ever encountered!
If you you're reading this, maybe you've had a super messy past. Maybe you're still messy or finally admitting you're messy! That's amazing!!! I want you to know the Lord is here and as you read Psalm 139, let Him comfort you to know how loved and valued you truly are! Because you are His. And God doesn't make trash!!!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in that secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:13-16
JESUS CHRIST
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