I Never Saw This Coming!
It was the beginning of the next year 2019 - YAY!
I had begun letting the Lord truly go deep inside toward the end of 2018. But what came next was more than I could ever think or imagine, and I am GRATEFUL for it!!
He did three major things this year, which I am going to have to separate into three separate posts:
1. Revealing the true intensity of what was deep inside
2. A new level of surrendering my life to Him
3. A vision from the Lord - bringing me to the basement of my heart
So, let's start with number one!
I actually don't even want to share this part because it's kind of physically gross. But, what the Lord did with me when this year rolled around, He is wanting me to tell the world.
So, as the Year began, these super deep realizations began surfacing in my heart. And for whatever reason, it would typically happen right before I went to bed; when I was laying there talking to God. Something from so deep inside would well up to the point where I would feel so bad and terrible, I would start crying to the point where it was uncontrollable sobbing. So, for example, I would say to the Lord, "Oh no Lord, You mean to tell me, I've hated myself all these years? How could I ever believe You made trash?" And then I'd feel SO bad that I thought that way, I would cry my head off. Then, I'd say, "And I'm also just SO sad Lord that I was left on the street. Why did You allow us to come here to be made fun of and lose our entire Asian heritage! I'm SO sad and angry all of that was taken from me. But I feel sooo bad about being so angry my entire life and I have no idea how not to be angry!" And then I'd ball again! It was just so extreme, I would literally just cry myself to sleep.
When I woke up in the morning, I noticed two little sores on the inside of my left arm where it bends. They were slightly larger than ant bites; and they were itchy too. I didn't think much about them until the following morning, because it happened again!
I went to bed that next night and while talking to the Lord, I had another overwhelming experience similar to the night before: "Lord, I don't think I really know how to love. I thought I did, but I think I operate out of wanting to get validation since I think I'm a nobody, and didn't even realize it. Oh no...I don't even know how to really love people!" Tears and more tears. "Lord, why did you create me so short?" More tears. "Lord, I think I've been jealous and angry at the entire white race on planet Earth because I've dealt with so much racism and seen so much favoritism. And I don't want to ever be jealous and I definitely don't want to be angry... But I think deep inside I really am!" More Gushes of tears. "Lord, why can't I tell people I don't even like being called Angie...I've always loved Angela more but I'm not even brave enough to tell people. I am so angry I live in so much fear!" Geysers of tears. Again, everything was so intense but I knew the Lord was right there with me and He was doing something special. So, I just went with it.
So, that was four things, right?
When I woke up in the morning, with the two sores already on my arm, four more had appeared!
What?! The Lord revealed to me that every time I cried about a specific thing the night before, the following day, a sore would appear on my left arm for each thing I cried about. So, it was two sores that first day, then four sores the next. Night after night, week after week this continued. And this went on for most of the year!
These things would last on my arm for about a couple of weeks and then once they healed, there'd be a little mark there for another couple of weeks until they disappeared. I literally had to wear long sleeves that whole year because my left arm had so many marks from where the sores were. Also, as the year went on the sores worked their way down my arm. So, where they started to appear initially on the inside part of my arm where it bends; by the end of the year, they were down on my wrist and thumb. Looking back, that was some crazy stuff happening! Do you know how many sores I had total by the end of the year?
Over 80!! WOWZERS!
When it all started, I asked the Lord, "Why are sores coming out of my left arm?" And He asked me a question back, "When a person has a heart attack, what arm do they grab?" And I replied, "The left arm."
"Angela, I am cleaning out your heart and it's manifesting itself through your left arm." Glory to God - it's coming out!!!!
During that year, I couldn't control these overwhelming feelings and thoughts of just how much doo-doo was inside of me. It was so overbearing, and it was the Lord who was allowing this all to surface. I am grateful for being able to sit with Him in the safest place of His Presence, to let Him do what He wanted to do. It was the most precious thing ever. To think the God of the Universe allowed it all to surface throughout that entire year was absolutely incredible. It was a gift from Him. And this was only the beginning of what He had planned.
Did you know I would never have had these encounters with the Lord if I didn't have the past that I had; If I hadn't been left on the street, if I hadn't been made fun of, if life hadn't been so difficult. I wouldn't be who I am today. Praise the Lord!
PRAYER:
Dear Lord,
You lavish Your gifts on us. But Your gifts aren't like what we're used to. Your gifts go deep, Your gifts deliver and Your gifts heal. Thank you for the gift of You and Your Presence; Holy Spirit. How could we know anything or have anything revealed to us if You don't do it!
Your Word declares there is not one good person. No not one. We all have these hearts filled with so much "stuff" in them and yet there's this dichotomy with You. When we're weak, we're strong; when we're last, we're first; whoever wants to be the greatest will be the least. Your Kingdom is completely different than ours. You are the author and finisher of our Faith, and only You can bring your Presence, Holy Spirit, into our lives. Only You can lead us to the way everlasting. And really, it's only You who helps us be obedient to what You're asking us to do, asking us what not to do and where You lead us throughout each moment.
I pray for my friends who are reading this, Lord. Put the most strongest desire for You into their hearts. Set a spark that turns into a roaring fire inside their hearts and bones...Your Glory poured out on them. And Lord, it's Your Glory that burns up the chaff, it's the gold that is refined by getting so hot it melts down so the impurities float to the surface where the dross is taken off. May our hearts get so hot in You that it melts...Melt us, God! Holy Spirit, melt it all and refine us with Your perfect, Holy Presence. Your sweet perfect Love, like nothing we've ever experienced before!
And when you begin showing us areas in our hearts that are just too much, let us be open to being honest before you to let the tears flow so you can touch a part of us that may have been too scared to ever be gut-honest about. But You're so sweet to us and don't condemn us. You bring the dross to the top, so you can remove it.
THANK YOU LORD for Your grace, thank you for Your truth and Your incredible love for us all!
May every heart be touched by You like never before. Holy Spirit have Your way!!!
In the mighty name of Jesus!
Amen
FAITH IN ACTION:
For this month, let's receive all the Lord has for us at even a greater level! Are you ready?!
Let's do two things this month:
1. Let's memorize John 16:12-15. It is only the Lord, and His Holy Spirit who can bring us to a place to truly receive what the Lord has for us. It's just SO glorious! God sent Jesus to die for us and then after Jesus went back to Heaven, He sent His Holy Spirit down to the Human Race to teach our Innermost Being the Truths of God's Word. So, as we've been reading through the New Testament, it's Him who puts it deep into our hearts...especially when we constantly dwell on His Word and sit in His Presence.
2. And while you're memorizing these verses, every day and every time you think about it, put out your hands like you're receiving something. And say, "Lord, I receive ALL you have for me. I receive Your Presence, Your Love, Your Glory. Do whatever You want to do in and through me. Do whatever You want to do in my life. Make it so clear what you want me to do and not do. And then, Lord, help me to follow through. Melt my heart, God and take off the dross - I receive it all! In Jesus' Name, Amen!"
Ok...get ready...the Lord is about to do something more incredible than you have ever thought or imagined or dreamt of! I mean, how magnificent.
JESUS, SAVIOR OF THE WORLD, FATHER GOD THE GREAT I AM, HOLY SPIRIT - LORD, WE GIVE YOU ALL THE GLORY!!
IT"S ALL YOU! ONLY YOU! 100% YOU. ONLY!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I have much to say to you, more than you can now bear. But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come. He will glorify me because it is from me that he will receive what he will make known to you. All that belongs to the Father is mine. That is why I said the Spirit will receive from me what he will make known to you.
John 16:12-15
JESUS CHRIST
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