Fear Be Gone!
I'm SO grateful for the Lord's transformative power - more than we could ever think or imagine!!
Fear. It ruled many social parts my life until I met the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I'm going to paint the picture of what my life was like prior to knowing Him. And then, the process of how He changed it all. GLORY!!!
I have a twin sister, and we were adopted together as infants. We were raised by an amazing couple who couldn't have children of their own; and they adopted four of us. That's right, FOUR! Out of me and my twin, I was the super mega shy one. I was so shy, my parents put me in speech class before I entered kindergarten because I never talked...my twin talked for me. I was a very sensitive child, where I was able to pick up on how everyone felt around me. It would later on become a super power. But for now, it was just too much to be able to sense everything around me all of the time, because I didn't realize what was going on.
I was so scared as a small child, the loud garbage truck would get me running to my parents when I heard it. I thought the searchlights in the sky were snakes in the sky coming to get me, until one night my Dad drove me to the source of the light and showed me it was coming from the local car dealership. The garage door opening frightened me at night so much, I'd start crying when it opened on days when Dad came home late. It's not like I wanted to be like this, I just was.
We also lived next door to racist neighbors who would yell racial slurs at us every day going to and from the bus stop. People in general made fun of us frequently due to the times we were living in. It was the 1970's, after WWII, the Korean War, and Vietnam. So, being Asian was like being the enemy of the US. But as a child, I wasn't aware of all that, and I didn't understand what was happening. So, there was a constant threat every time we walked out of our house. And it wasn't a matter of if it was going to happen. It was how much would we get that day.
I was told from people I was trying to become friends with that I couldn't go to their house because I was the wrong color. I also had a teacher who gave us lower grades because he was a WWII Vet and thought we were always lying. So, there was also this other side of things were we had to prove our worth or prove we could be trusted. Where others had a natural respect, we didn't have that; and with so many hurdles, I learned to just be quiet and watch everyone around me.
So here I am as a child with this super sensitivity going on. It was dreadful and what I didn't realize was several perceptions were forming in me. One: being Asian was bad...very bad. Two: going "out there" was a huge risk for serious pain, and no way was I doing that. And three, I don't ever want to be a mean popular rich person because they just go around making fun of people. These are some seriously negative perceptions formed in a little girl before she was even in middle school!
So, home became my safe haven and I LOVED it!
Mom and Dad made sure we had all the great opportunities every child should have. They enrolled us in dance lessons, piano lessons, softball, Girl Scouts, and the recreation program at the school we lived near. We also loved going ice skating, sledding and riding around on our bicycles for hours on end. We had a massive toy room where we did puzzles, played games, played hide and seek and just plain had fun. We learned how to bake yummy desserts, make arts and crafts and enjoyed living our childhood.
I was thankful to have a twin sister, because I got to just be best friends with her. And although, we had some super great neighborhood friends, I was far from popular. But it was all OK because, my twin and I were besties. We encouraged each other and spurred each other on to be the best we could be, and just have fun and learn new things together. We were so adventurous and went all over the place doing as many things as we could, to always learn and grow. So, there was this odd dichomity for me. There was this crazy fear side where I didn't want to go out into social situations and this other adventurous side where I just loved learning new things and tried to become the best I could be.
After college, I moved to a new city where I landed my first "real" job. And it was here that I got saved. The story is HERE, if you haven't read it yet!
My first job was in a daycare center in 10th grade, and then I worked in the most amazing Italian Restaurant, Donatelli's, where I loved working all the way through college! At first, I was still so scared. When they asked me to greet a customer, I was like, oh no... I have to talk to strangers! Somebody had to encourage me to the point where I'd finally say something and it was again, so awkward! But over time, I learned how to greet people...Breakthrough!
My twin sister was SOO good at most things because she didn't care what others thought. I watched her growing up do things I wished I had the guts to do. I remember always watching her to see if things were safe enough for me to even try. And most times, I just let her do stuff and I just went into my room and worked on math problems; and stayed focused on school because I was determined to be a doctor!
So, I ended up going to college and started in the Pre-Med program and by the time school ended, I realized I didn't want to be a doctor anymore. I had calculated that I'd be around 32 years old when I was out of residency and I just didn't want to be in school for another decade! With my science degree in hand, I ended up moving four hours from home in a new city working in a laboratory. I was fortunate to work mainly by myself, which I liked.
It was here God got a hold of me!
And so, fear began breaking off of me whenever God led me to wherever He called me to go. Or to go do whatever He wanted me to do. I just wanted to please the Lord because He saved my soul, gave me a peace that passes all understanding and revealed Himself to me in such a special and powerful way!
To this day, I am grateful that I am able to experience God's Presence because He gave me this super sensitive personality to be able to sense Him in such a mega way. And to hear His voice. I have learned throughout these decades to sit in His Presence so much so that I stay hidden in the shadow of His wings.
I've learned that if I don't do that, it's so easy for me to get distracted and fall into all sorts of things because fear will begin to set in again. His Presence is all I long for now. His Glory to continue to consume me. When I am filled with Him, then it is Him that can touch the world around me. People don't need Angela, they need Jesus. And for these last short decades I have left, may my entire life be dedicated to Him wanting to touch whoever He wants to touch. Not my will, but Yours, Lord!
PRAYER:
Dear God,
Thank you for delivering us from fear! You have given us your love, power and a sound mind. And You make yourself known to our hearts so we can truly know you. What more is there to life?
I lift up whoever is reading this right now. May fear be gone completely. In the mighty name of Jesus! Help all my friends out there to sit in Your Presence and once they sense You, to not get up. But to sit even longer and soak in Your Glory! To hear Your voice and sense Your mighty peace. May Your mercy always be upon us. We need you so desperately, we don't even realize it. We don't even know!!!!
We give you all the glory for what you are doing in and through us. If it wasn't for You, we'd keep making terrible choices because of the fear we have inside!
In Jesus' mega amazing name!
AMEN
FAITH IN ACTION:
God's Word. It's living and active. As you continue to read through the New Testament, see if You can truly sense His supernatural peace and presence. The key to this...time. Lots of time! As you converse with Him while reading, just talk with Him and then, see if you can sense Him speaking to Your heart. I would ask Him questions that were completely something based on His Word, and then, sense the peace in the answer - LOL!
Here's an example:
Matthew 5:21
Jesus says, "You have heard that it was said long ago, 'you shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.' But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment."
So, after reading this, I say to the Lord, "Wow God, getting angry is like murdering!! That's crazy! Well, should I stop getting angry then?" And then, I say Yes and then, No...and see where I get peace. See how obvious this is - I should sense the peace with the 'Yes, stop getting angry'!!?! LOL!
And even though this is an obvious thing to answer....I'm not answering with my mind. I'm trying to sense His Presence and Peace with the Yes to learn His voice. Does that make sense?
The rest of our prayer time....
After getting the "Yes, I should stop getting angry," my next statement to the Lord would be, "Lord, I don't even know how to do that on my own. Can you please put Your glory into my heart and change me? I don't want to have an angry heart. Please forgive me and heal whatever is inside that is making me want to operate this way. I love you God and thank you for helping me everyday to become more loving like you!"
Then I'd keep sitting in His Presence and just smile and enjoy being with Him. And I'd keep telling him how amazing it is to have Him in my life. We'd hang out for such a long while to the point where I'd let His presence engulf me. God would continue touching my heart to the point where I'd burst out crying because His presence was SO strong and I would feel so honored that He would even reveal Himself to me. I'd sit there for even longer not ever wanting to leave His presence! He's SO INCREDIBLE! He's the GREAT I AM!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Ok ... well... there's the super tiny mini example of what my relationship with God was like when we first met! Yes, it was spectacular and still is!!!!
Glory to God - Enjoy the journey of learning His voice and following Him!
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13
JESUS CHRIST
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